When She Abuses Him
- House of Grace
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
An Article for Male Survivors
By Amanda Kippert, Oct 13, 2021
When it comes to domestic violence, the conversation typically focuses on women as victims and men as perpetrators. After all, women make up at least 85 percent of the victims, and most often at the hands of male abusers.
But this doesn’t mean that abusive female partners don’t exist; they do. And men can be victims of domestic violence. The exact numbers are hard to confirm for multiple reasons, one of which is that domestic violence in general is vastly underreported by victims, many of whom feel scared or ashamed to disclose. And many may not
realize at the time that what they’re experiencing is abuse—nonphysical abuse including verbal, psychological and financial abuse is difficult to measure through statistics.
Yet male-identifying individuals are abused by partners on a daily basis, both gay and straight men of all educational, socioeconomic, and cultural backgrounds, as well as all ages. Men can be abused by their female or male partners or be victims of childhood domestic violence, in which they grow up in an environment where a caregiver is abusive.
Male Domestic Abuse Victims Face Stigmas
Male survivors of domestic violence can feel a stigma to be the “strong male” who should be able to fight back against an abusive partner, especially when that partner is female. They may also be afraid to come forward because it means disclosing a same-sex relationship that they’re not ready to be open about. Male victims may also face discrimination from police or domestic violence shelters that are skeptical of their accounts of abuse. There are not as many shelters that house male survivors as female, though more shelters are setting aside beds for men, and those that don't have the capacity to house them offer other services such as counseling, support groups and financial and lay legal assistance. Search for shelters near you here that offer services for men.
Men Can Be Victims of Power and Control Dynamic, Too
Male survivors of abuse can identify domestic violence by the same hallmarks of abuse that other victims endure. These can include:
Verbal and emotional abuse, which includes shouting, name-calling, degradation, jealousy, gaslighting or the silent treatment, leaving the survivor feeling ashamed, embarrassed, worthless or afraid.
Stalking
Physical abuse, such as hitting, shoving, slapping, throwing objects at the survivor, use of weapons, or threats of self-harm.
Threats toward children, pets, and other family members.
Threats of taking away children.
Sexual coercion, including unwanted sexual advances or forced sexual acts, or withholding sex to control.
Isolation by forbidding the survivor from leaving the house or stealing the car keys; restricting a survivor from seeing friends or family; or coercing the survivor to quit school or not work.
Financial control—demanding money or credit cards, restricting how the survivor spends money, mismanaging money and lying about it, ruining a survivor’s credit.
Male Domestic Abuse Survivors Who Have Shared Their Stories
To understand what male victims of abuse endure, it can help to read survivor stories told by men. DomesticShelters.org has interviewed a handful of male survivors over the years.
Waqas was born in Pakistan but immigrated to the U.S., where he met his now ex-wife. She used financial abuse and coercive control, as well as isolating him from family and friends, to abuse Waqas. As a Muslim man, he felt even more hesitant to reach out for help, afraid the stereotype that men in his religious community controlled women would prevent anyone from believing him. However, an advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline helped get Waqas the support he needed.
Gus Brock, a Navy veteran, lived in fear some 40 years ago of his now ex-wife, who was verbally and physically abusive to him from the moment they met, mimicking the abuse he also lived through as a child. In his 60s now and free from abuse, this truck driver proudly shows off the purple ribbon tattoo on his arm, hoping others know he is an advocate and ally to survivors.
Ron Blake’s ex-partner was physically and emotionally abusive. One night, his ex-partner broke into his home with two other men, and the three individuals sexually assaulted Blake. After being diagnosed with PTSD, Blake decided to begin sharing his story of abuse and assault publicly in order to help others.
Christopher Anderson’s parents severely neglected him as a child, leading Anderson to a life of addiction, depression, and thoughts of suicide as an adult before he got help. Now a speaker for the nonprofit MaleSurvivor.org, Anderson hopes to help other survivors of childhood trauma not let what happened in their past define their lives.
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